Do you experience loving relationship as a roller coaster, or as a warm, secure nest? Are your interactions with your beloved relaxed, or antagonistic, or worrisome? Do you keep yearning for an ideal relationship that seems just out of reach? Are you settling for a partnership that keeps eating away at you with a vague dissatisfaction? Does one partner in your relationship seem more committed and trusting than the other?
The new science of Adult Attachment explains all of these circumstances. A gathering body of research shows that the attachment style which we develop in our family of origin influences our adult relationships, and about 70 to 75% of adults retain that same relationship style throughout their entire lives. However, as evolving beings we can learn from our experience and change relationship patterns. 25 to 30% of adults do change their basic pattern of attachment, in some cases becoming more secure in their approach to connecting with others, while in other cases becoming less secure. The good news is that research demonstrates that with conscious development, we can actually train our way into more satisfying relationships.
Adult Attachment theory states that all of us have a biologically determined need to connect with others. We are social beings, designed for significant relationship with others. Structures in our brain and hormonal system create and regulate those social and intimate connections. In some cases that system generates a secure feeling of attachment, while in others we might feel anxious about our relationship, or else alternate between our desire to connect with another and our desire to remain free and independent.
The clarity that results from identifying these relationship structures provide us with guidance on how to find the relationships that you want in your life, and how to keep that love strong and secure. You can quite easily determine your own attachment style. If you are not in a relationship, this knowledge can help you select, or eliminate, potential partners more confidently.
If you are already in relationship, you can also determine the attachment style of your partner. With that insight, you have an “operating manual” that can help you know what one another need to feel safe, learn how to give your partner the types of reassurance that they need to hear, and to ask for what you need more accurately and confidently.
Coach Basin will be offering a workshop called:
The Science of Finding and Keeping Love in Your Life
on February 16th, 2013 from 12:30-4:30pm at Wildcat Studio 2547 8th St. Berkeley. To learn more, CLICK HERE.